Flame of Twylah

For Valentines Day: My favorite OTPs (One True Pair) in Kdrama Land

2012-02-14T17:34:00.000+08:00

Favorite OTP #1 : Hong Gil Dong (2009)

Hong Gil Dong and Yi-Nok

“Shall we make a wish?”

“At a time like this?”

“They look like they’re wishing us farewell.”

“We’ll go together.”

Favorite OTP #2 : Princess’s Man (2011)
Se-Ryung and Seung-Yoo

“What on earth is “Love”?

I ask the World.

And I will answer…

That which make us unhesitatingly

Grant life and death to each other

That is what “Love” is. “

Favorite OTP #3 : City Hunter (2011)

Kim Nana and Lee Yeung-Soo

“I know better than anyone that every single day is a war for you, and every moment is a struggle, so how can I lean on you? How can I ask you to protect me too? I’m going to become someone that you can lean on. I’m going to become stronger. So I can protect you.” – Nana

Summing up 2011 ( I know so late, but I have to document, at least)

2012-02-14T16:32:00.000+08:00

a little bit late
still, before i forget i have to write them down
and then be inspired and do more this 2012

-public inquiries in Tacloban and Manila;

-discovered and loved photography through My Picture A Day Project (although i gave up before the year ended. will start again, promise)

-rediscovered painting and art therapy

-My first ever marathon! The Bullrunner Dream Marathon. 42kms at 5 hours 19mins;

- Vis-Min Investigators’ Manual trainings

- Kaamulan Festival, Bukidnon;

-Attended a 15day training in Baguio on Indigenous People’s Rights with IP rights advocates from Asia and the Pacific;

-Finally, Tour of the Fireflies for AB, my bike;

-Panalawahig Ta Tagoloan 2012, Malaybalay Bukidnon

-Two La Mesa Bike Outs

-Bisita Iglesia:Antipolo-Rizal-Marikina circuit

-Mt. Isarog, Camarines Sur

-Mt. Arayat Traverse, at long last;

-Mt. Ugo-Marikit Circuit, Benguet

-Mt. Apo through Magpet-Agco trail;

-Mt Bungkol Baka, Tarlac

-Tarak Ridge, Bataan

-Attended a regional conference on Electoral Cycle Support

-Ride to Real Quezon

-Putik Pare

-First ever Triathlon: Trantados Fun Triathlon, UPLB

-Mt. Pulag via Akiki

-Coron, Palawan Bike Out

-ENROLLED in a Masters Degree class: officially an MA in Women and Development student at the UP CSWCD

-Admitted to the Blended Training Program for National Human Rights Institutions (NHRI) condcuted by Raoul Wallenberg Insti and Asia Pacific Forum

-Organized the first CHR official contingent for the LGBT Pride March

-Mt. Kinabalu, Kota Kinabalu, Malaysia

-Finished my first Resolution…

-Proposal: to be one of the board members of the Women’s Legal Bureau

-Bought myself my very own, Kindle Fire

-Began (March) and Finished (the initial structure at least) of The Children’s Library Project: Kasabuahan Ha Gagaw

These being how it was to be 30, I am so looking forward to what 31 brings…

of racing and bahala na si batman

2011-11-14T18:15:00.001+08:00

when i decided to fill in for daddy yo for this race, i knew i'd be in for a very difficult ride. i was proven right. i had alternating cramps from my left and right legs almost all throughout the bike leg. it had me praying ceaselessly. praying that i'd be able to go through it, that i'd be able to reach the finish line. cross the mud pit. and not to disappoint sir paul and the rest of the UPM by just quitting after the first few attacks of cramps. i chanted to myself, just ignore it, block the pain, just keep on pedalling. all the motivational quotes i could rack through my brain. all the3 lines of 'just enjoy the day, the wind, the ride and the road. then, i'd feel the cramps kick in, i'd feel them subside and somehow transfer to the other leg. then gone again. then begin again. it was indeed an experience i will not forget. it pays to just go on. whatever happens. and yep, bahala na si Batman works. if only to get myself that courage to get into a race like this. its like jumping off a cliff.but the feeling at the finish line? that feeling of having accomplished something and worked hard for it? it's priceless. it makes everything worthwhile. no regrets.congratulations self, and congratulations AB, my bike, you have gone a long way indeed.

My Bike and Me.

2011-11-03T13:33:00.002+08:00

2011-11-03T11:15:00.000+08:00

scolded so early. but still going on. and on.
this too, shall pass. and anyway, we all learn from the process.
good thing i enjoy what i'm doing.

The REAL "To Do List"

2011-11-02T15:22:00.001+08:00

i can add some more:

1. do good and forget about it

2. bathe in the rain

3. write a poem

4. stare and serenade the moon

5. ride a bike and ride some more

6. forgive. forget

7. smile and keep smiling

8. go star gazing. bird watching.

9. play with crayons and paint

10. play pretend or hide and seek with a child

11. forget the bad, keep the good

12. believe in magic

13. and everyday miracles

Me, Loving Life

2011-11-02T11:25:00.001+08:00

I so give thanks for the chance to have moments like this.

A long way with AB, my bike

2011-11-02T09:33:00.000+08:00

A year and three months from the time I first took AB for a ride, we've already come a long way. We've been to places, from Baler, her first trip out of Manila, to Bulacan, to Tagaytay, to Real Quezon, to bisita iglesias around Antipolo and Rizal, to the cities of Manila for the araw ng siklista and tour of the firefly . And now, a trip by boat to Coron Palawan. One thing I can say I never regretted, that of having AB. And of going to places with her. Even trying my first ever triathlon with her. Here's for the next full year ahead....

today i worked with love. and i'm happy.

2011-10-04T20:58:00.000+08:00

And what is it to work with love?

It is to weave the cloth with threads drawn from your heart, even as if your beloved were to wear that cloth.

It is to build a house with affection, even as if your beloved were to dwell in that house.

It is to sow seeds with tenderness and reap the harvest with joy, even as if your beloved were to eat the fruit.

It is to charge all things you fashion with a breath of your own spirit,

And to know that all the blessed dead are standing about you and watching.

-kahlil gibran

With Joey Ayala

2011-10-02T16:13:00.000+08:00

The UNDP Community Of Practice for Electoral Cycle Support in Asia held at Makati City gave me the opportunity to meet and greet my long time music idol, Joey Ayala. And he sang "Walang Hanggang Paalam", my favorite.

once again,finding for myself, a little space.

2011-09-23T23:39:00.001+08:00

Once again, Dream Wold

2011-09-17T12:11:00.002+08:00

I had a nice welcome to dream world last night. Just like old times, I had colorful, narrative dreams. Action movies. Lovestories. Blue seas. Train jumps and train transfers. Men in black cloaks. Dump Truck ride after climbs. Espionage. A concert and a friend perfomer. Kissing a girl and liking it. It was a mash up movie of sorts and I totally enjoyed being both viewer and actor. Come night, let's explore once again.

Buhay Dagat

2011-09-08T09:38:00.001+08:00

i wonder how it feels,
to live by the sea. and to be constantly reminded:
of how much in life and in nature remain mysteries
how unpredictable, how vast, how humbling
i wonder how it feels
to wake up each morning
to the ceaseless lapping of the waves
to the peace of a sunrise and
to the ever taunting and beckoning horizon
i wonder too, how it feels
to end each day watching the fading light
reflected on glassy waves;
and to see the moon rise
and the stars
i wonder how it is to mark my days
with the sea's darkness and its light
with its silence and peace
as well as its fury and storms (7.30.11)

2011-09-01T16:20:00.001+08:00

as long as i still have mountains i dream of climbing, i will continue climbing

2011-08-19T21:34:00.002+08:00

"Under the moonlight, I pour a drink by myself
in the middle of one flower, a jar of alcohol
because I don’t have anyone to accompany me, I drink alone"
- Heartstrings (a kdrama)

Saying Goodbye: City Hunter

2011-07-26T15:07:00.005+08:00

two more episodes and it's goodbye City Hunter.
The drama where i inevitably fell in love with Lee Min Ho.
A once unthinkable thought.
But damn, Yoon Seung, the City Hunter? Is way too hot.
If I'd marry a drama character, i'd definitely go for City Hunter. Although at one point I would have gone for Hong Gil Dong or Iljimae. But now?
City Hunter!!!

July 18:Nelson Mandela Day

2011-07-18T22:54:00.005+08:00

A week ago, i saw that scheduled at the UP film center. i promised myself then that i'd watch. this afternoon i almost didn't. i rode past FC with my bike. i so wanted to head for sarahs for my monday drink . but i was a lowbat phone-dead me. so i decided that i might as well watch the film. besides, all the signs were there. ipromised i'd watch. i forgot the sched, then i had to go to an ICC forum at UP Law so I saw that the show was on for 7:30 tonight. The featured film was titled "Invictus" my favorite poem for the longest time. The docu will show Nelson Mandela (but I didn't know then it was his day as declared by UN)and he has been and still is my idol for the longest time. almost like Gandhi. I taught of his struggles and his triumph in my literature classes in Bukidnon for five years. And so I watched. Then I cried. Specially during the voice over reading of Invictus in Morgan Freeman's voice while Matt Damon was in Mandela's former cell, the cell he was imprisoned for 25 years. I could go on forever about the movie, but before this net book's battery gives up on me in this two-bottles of RH Sarah's night, i want to say, that for a while there, while watching the movie by myself and crying by myself, I came to remember things I've somehow forgotten. That man and his life has always moved me. And he moves me still. For the rest, I'll let it rest, but I'll end with one of his quotes that had me:

“I have walked that long road to freedom. I have tried not to falter; I have made missteps along the way. But I have discovered the secret that after climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb. I have taken a moment here to rest, to steal a view of the glorious vista that surrounds me, to look back on the distance I have come. But I can only rest for a moment, for with freedom come responsibilities, and I dare not linger, for my long walk is not ended.”

purpose served. i remembered. i'm inspired.

here we go again

2011-07-13T18:28:00.003+08:00

alone. sarahs.
well, it has been a while since i've done this.
there were contented months in between.
and i guess, for that, i have to be thankful.
truth be told, i have been waiting for this
for shadows,for doubts, for discontent
for every time i sigh in contentment, and wonder at how beautiful things are
i also think, of the calm before the storm
of what may lie unseen
i have no answer still. but its ok.
i welcome another alone sarahs me.

weight of representation

2011-07-13T13:07:00.003+08:00

it saddens me,
how i can easily be accosted to represent and render my services pro bono
even if the same be totally unrelated to my current designation
and yet chose not to represent my own father.
here i am again.
should i just refuse this representation and save myself from all the heartache and the blame?
or should i commit the same mistakes all over again?
perhaps i should just as bluntly say that if i were to choose i'd choose to work on the Kananga case, or on the Petition for Certiorari on the dismissed rape case
rather than leave my current pending write ups
to write a counter affidavit on issues of simple slander between and among neighbors
now i am really torn.
if i don't i might earn an enemy,
if, i do, i might as well advertise to the entire office to give all their legal problems to me.
and to think i do not even have the authority to handle criminal cases.
*sigh*
this.

Like a Child

2011-07-11T16:54:00.005+08:00

I pray, that like a child

I’d be so happy and thankful with so little

I ‘d be generous with my smiles and my laughter

I’d cry when I’m hurt, then easily forget why I cried

I pray too, that like that of a child

My heart would remain pure and simple

My eyes would constantly sparkle with curiosity and wonder

And that my hands would never hesitate to reach out and make friends.

I pray, that like a child

I would not be afraid to live, to play, and to dream.
---
I've written and posted this a while ago in my tumblr and FB account, yet Raiza reminded me of it. It lifted my spirits, and reminded me of what I've always prayed for.

2011-07-11T15:35:00.002+08:00

"Instead of a biography, I'd like to share a quote from Erica Jong on poetry, she says ' Poetry manuscripts always knock me out. Such simple white-pages and someone’s entire soul behind them '. I find this to be true, and I find writing and poem writing a form of salvation. That I write and continue to write poetry, I have my mother to thank. For when she first taught me to hold a pen, she also taught my soul to fly- through blank spaces on sunny morns; empty lines on dark nights – with a flick of my pen, beat of my heart, depth of my soul, she taught me how to make my own mark."
----
these used to be my "poet's biography" over at poem hunter. but today, i decided to clean up my on line foot prints. i deleted the poems i posted there. and perhaps delete my entire poem hunter account. i'd change my twitter settings too. so that i would not be easily traced. even this blog, i'd have to sanitize. somehow, reading, researching about VAW through ICT has gotten into me that I'd like to clean up my mess little by little. Not that I'd totally disappear from the on line world, but to harness its features of intractability and anonymity to my advantage. not disadvantage. thus the need to clean up these on line footprints i'd scattered all over the place. now i'm wondering how to clean up twitter? its such a mess. or facebook where i've tons of friends who are not really my friends.

2011-07-01T13:26:00.002+08:00

Everytime I open my blogspot account, I feel guilty. For the delinquent me who hasn't even taken the time to post anything, anything at all. Yet able to post several posts a day in tumbler. At the same time, I am also thankful for the silence of my blogspot account. for it means i ma relatively at peace, and not in need of its spaces and of the comfort it brings. yet here i am now.

this afternoon, an office mate came to me to confide. it was a surprise. said that it seemed i'm a person who would understand. and for that, perhaps,i am thankful. to be able to listen, to comfort and to ease another troubled soul.

for making me an instrument, thank you, Lord.

Me, Sarah's and my Laptop dramas

2011-04-23T10:57:00.004+08:00

Wednesday. It was half day at work but I stuck it out, thinking I'd run and then go to Sarah's after. I ended up NOT running, and heading straight to Sarah's for a drink. I had with me Purple, my netbook. I was surfing the net while drinking. Til my friends told me to stop and to just concentrate on drinking. And so I shut Purple down. Placed her inside my bag and continued drinking. More bottles of beer. Calling it a night. Bought myself some food. Called a taxi. Home. Told our house help to open Purple for me for I had to charge a friend's camera. She said its not in my bag. I said "it can't be". She said, " Ate, it's not in the bag". My drunken self refused to believe. I was too sleepy I couldn't think anymore. Sleep. 5:30 in the morning. Scream. My laptop!!!! My purple!!! Calling rounds. Getting disappointed. I've been through this so many times before.

---

recall this 21 November 2008 entry: Twyla vs. Twyla ( For Damages)

My negligence is bleeding me to death. The line is exaggerated but it definitely deserves my equally exaggerated acts of negligence. That I tend to lose everything everywhere is not a surprise anymore. My friends would just shake their heads in disapproval for another lost cell phone, another lost wallet or key. Even if its another lost (and luckily recovered) laptop. I, on the other hand, still manage to surprise myself. That I end up repeating the same mistakes. That I’m a recidivist at this. That I never really thought I’d lose something again.That how could I be so stupid?so tanga ? That after having lost more than ten cell phones, I should have learned my lesson— and yet it seems I still haven’t.

Last Tuesday, after a drunken night at Sarah’s, I lost my laptop again. Again, because the first time I lost it, I was lucky enough to have been able to track down the taxi driver. I was lucky enough that even if I can’t remember the taxi company of the cab I rode in my drunken state, the onlookers did. That was in July. Now, its just November. That was lucky, this might just be the end of my luck.

I woke up without much thought of my hang over. For then I discovered that my laptop was not beside my bag. Where it was supposed to be —-Scream. Bury my head in my pillow. Another scream. —- I wanted to divorce myself. Bang my head on the wall. Rewind and get back to that moment before I got out of the taxi, before I probably left my laptop on the taxi’s floor —- Agghhhh! I can’t remember. Chang can’t remember. And its gone. On a Wednesday, I decided not to report for work. “Ipagluluksa ko ang pagkawala ng aking laptop” that was my official statement. Chang mourned with me. So we ended up watching L Word the whole day while trying to forget that I indeed lost my laptop.

good bye sa mga files. good bye sa mga pictures na magaganda.sniff.sniff. paano na lang yung notarial register ko?paano ako magrereport sa Makati Court? yung poems and journal entries. Mga baby pictures and videos ni Kahlil. Wah…my Hong Gil Dong episode recaps! My Avatar wall papers…I TUNES!!!Di pa nga ako nakapagsulat ng ni isa man lang short story. Paano ako magtratrabaho?Pleadings koh! My Laws!May writing racket pa naman sana ako!!!I officially hate myself. hate. hate. tanga ka twyla. tanga.danghag sa tanang danghag sa world!!!

So the drama in my head goes on and on and on. The whole day. The whole night. My laptop invaded my dreams. It told me “di naman ako nawawala, nasa cabinet lang, akala nyo lang nawawala ako”. I wanted to weep when I woke up…If only the dream was true, that indeed my laptop’s not lost, that my laptop would still be recovered. I dressed for work. Thursday was a rainy and cloudy day. It matched my depression. North Station. Buendia. Bus to Ayala. The walk along Paseo de Roxas to Vernida IV:

Twyla Rubin, Plaintiff vs. Twyla Rubin, RespondentCivil case No. 08-01, My Mental Trial Court, for :Damages.

causes of action: actual damages suffered in the amount of PhP23,000; moral damages consisting of plaintiff’s physical suffering,mental anguish,fright, serious anxiety, wounded feelings,sleepless nights— really incapable of pecuniary estimation but since this is a damage suit, Plaintiff opts to peg the amount at PhP500,000; exemplary damages in the amount of PhP50,000, as Plaintiff seriously believes that respondent’s negligence, her absence of that necessary care and prudence that an ordinary and prudent man possesses in like situation, is setting a dangerous precedence to society. Her negligent acts should be punished to set an example to society that such negligent acts should at all times be avoided. Attorney’s fees, as plaintiff was constrained to engage the services of counsel to prosecute her legal and valid claim against respondent, in the amount of PhP50,000.

witnesses: plaintiff, to testify as to the damage incurred, actual as well as moral. She is to testify that because of the loss of her laptop she is entitled to moral damages.Chang, for collaboration. Tati, for the amount of actual damage.

adverse witness: respondent, to establish her want of care and prudence, and to establish the fact of her drunken state when the laptop was lost.

modes of discovery:

1)request for admission (for respondent):for her to admit that she once lost the laptop before in the same drunken state, as well as her reputation for negligence; admit the value of the laptop; etc.

assigned counsel:Atty. Twyla Rubin
Obviously, its a losing case. If Twyla, the plaintiff wins, she will not be able to recover the damages she is claiming fromTwyla the respondent. Both Twyla’s are financially incapable of doing so. Even Twyla, as counsel would not get anything from the case. Not even her Attorney’s fees. If respondent wins, its the same thing. end of story.

I rode the elevator up to the 11th Floor of Vernida. Literally shaking my head, thinking of how difficult it would be to sue myself and represent myself at the same time. Thinking that as much as I hate myself at the moment, I really have no choice but to deal with me. Yes, me, including both Twyla plaintiff and the Twyla respondent….The victim and the defendant in one body. I am a laptop lesser and a thousand bucks poorer. It’s definitely not a good day to be me.

Note: A few minutes later, my sister called, apparently my laptop was found under the TV stand. It was there all along. I heaved a sigh of relief. A prayer of many thanks for miracles and for hope. I went to St. Jude in Manila (Patron of Hopeless cases). There’s hope for the hopeless after all. Amen.

-----

The day after i lost Purple, I biked with the UP Mountaineers. A bisekleta iglesia of seven churches. i realized my first priority of prayers cannot be my laptop as its not as important as my parents' health and long life. But it wa also par of my prayer, the last one: that somehow the person who foudn it would be touched by the spirit of the holy week and woudl return Purple to me --- no matter how undeserving and negligent I am.

Friday. i traced my steps. Sarah's. The store where i bought my food, there I met Ate Baby and her husband. they were waiting for me all the while...I've another miracle. And my prayers were once again answered. i cant help but sing "Jesus loves me yes I know...". And a sigh of absolute relief. I have my Purple back. God is good. People are good. Soplice.

2011-04-05T23:08:00.000+08:00

papa, hang in there, we love you so.

drinking redhorse in the office -- liberating

2011-02-10T17:04:00.003+08:00

Picture #1: Ol you need is the right beer a.k.a drinking redhorse in the office - liberating. (10 feb 11)

Context: Should have ran, but menstrual cramps beat me to it. and I beat it by buying myself and an officemate cold red horse in can. Why not? it effectively takes away the pain.And it's not everyday that twyla has to concede and say, yeah, it hurts to be a woman, damn it.

reading emily dickinson

2011-02-10T10:14:00.008+08:00

The sun was
already high up,as it usually is in Manila around 9 in the morning. The jeepney barker called out the last strands of “ Lagro, Lagro, aalis na”. I settled as comfortably as I can on my seat, brushed the drops of sweat from my forehead, and took a book from by bag. As the jeepney joined the throng of morning commuters of North Avenue, I opened Scholastic Classic’s collection of poems by Emily Dickinson. I began reading Emily’s poems. And in the midst of a traffic light pause in front of Trinoma, I found myself staring into space, far beyond the mall and right through it, into the realm of beyond. Beckoned and summoned by Emily’s words and Emily’s poems. I ceased, for several moments, to be inside the commuter jeepney, in an office suit, and running late on my way to work. For a few moments, Emily’s words carried me far beyond. Into that place where good poetry brings us, regardless of where we may actually be.

And for those few moments, and for moments yet to come, I thank her and her poems.

I thought too of what Virginia Euwer Wolff wrote in her introduction of Emily Dickinson. First she relates that “to the literary men of her time”, Emily Dickinson’s “unusual word combinations and urgent punctuations pushing the poems forward were just too confusing. It may have been easier for them to ignore her poetry than to try and understand it. Thus only a handful of her poems were published when she was alive, and 1,200 were found in meticulously sewn packets of pages at the time of her death”. Wolff then wrote of women and of writing, which I find much too inspiring to leave out:

“Near my desk I keep a photo of Emily Dickinson’s bedroom and writing table. The Photograph reminds me that writing--- yours, mine, ours --- is important in our relationship with the world, even if no one else ever sees it. Even if it were to stay in bundles in our bedrooms, it would still have pungence, spunk, and heart – if only because we had the courage to put it on paper.”

And of course, my curious self couldn’t resist but look up the picture in the internet. And like, Wolff, be literally inspired by it too.

'Coz bikes go anywhere and everywhere

2011-02-07T13:41:00.002+08:00

for each woman needs, a room of one's own

2011-02-05T18:02:00.002+08:00

"I told you in the course of this paper that Shakespeare had a sister; but do not look for her in Sir Sidney Lee's life of the poet. She died young--alas, she never wrote a word. She lies buried where the omnibuses now stop, opposite the Elephant and Castle. Now my belief is that this poet who never wrote a word and was buried at the crossroads still lives. She lives in you and in me, and in many other women who are not here tonight, for they are washing up the dishes and putting the children to bed. But she lives; for great poets do not die; they are continuing presences; they need only the opportunity to walk among us in the flesh."

- Virginia Woolf, A Room of One's Own

I’ve bought the book more than a year ago, and yet it is only now, at this point of my life that I have come to read it seriously. Like fruit not merely nibbled and discarded, but fully eaten and digested. Every word and every line, seeping into me. Slowly becoming a part of me and my thoughts. What I hold true and what I believe. In honor of the women that Virginia Woolfe once wrote about, and in honor of those women too, who continue to live the silent life she described above, I will wield my pen, I will continue typing and writing. I will fight for and demand to have a room of my own. And I promise to find time to write.
I promise too, that in the journey of fighting for my own room and finding my own voice, I will help my sisters along the way. In fighting for their own rooms, in finding their own voices.
That we may stand united. That we may all walk in the flesh.

files and folders

2011-02-04T14:44:00.000+08:00

where do i file and where do i stack the different folders of my life

how do i neatly delineate and segregate one file, one piece of paper from another

how do they all converge into a unified whole: a filing system

of me, of my life, of the past, of the present

and that yet to come

My Album Cover

2011-02-02T14:18:00.007+08:00

I was thinking that this would be a lousy wednesday. I finished one of my reports before lunch time, lurked at tweeter for a while, and viola! I chanced upon Chico Garcia's tweet. He asks, "Have you ever imagined yourself in a band? And how your album cover would look like?' Okey, that got me out of my boredom. I clicked and here's a fun game from Chico's Blog, Strange Fruit, which I am quoting here in full:

Have you ever wondered how your CD album cover would look like if you had a band? Well, thanks to Engr. MOKS who suggested this, now you’ll know! This is really fun! Just follow these easy steps:

1. Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Main_Page and click on “Random Article”. The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
2. Go to http://quotationspage.com/ and click on “Random Quotes”. The last few words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.
3. Go to http://www.flickr.com/explore/ and click on “Interesting photos from the last seven days”. The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover. And in case you decide to post the final product, even if we’re just doing this for fun, don’t forget to acknowledge whoever owns the original image!
4. Use Photoshop to put it all together.
5. And voila, you’ve got you band’s CD album cover!

---
Ohhh. i was having so much fun.
My band name would be: Buchałowice, it's a village in Poland.
My Full Quoatation is from Bill Nye which says: "The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it.And my album title would be "Laugh at it"
My picture was supposedly of Southwold Beach Huts in England.See it here..
But I can't photoshop them together due to the copyright of the photo. That or I just don't know how. So am going to give it another round. That's how much I'm enjoying this.

On Laurie Elyse. designer and artist.
Image from ervin, "It's a Man's Life"

bad mondays

2011-01-31T18:44:00.001+08:00

tell me how to deal with bad mondays

tell me how to cope when things aren’t going my way

when the lines just don’t fall into place

when the drink just fail to quench the thirst

tell me how to deal with bad mondays

tell me how to hurry up the next day

Secret Garden: My favorite MVs

2011-01-13T11:39:00.005+08:00

Courtesy of Dramatomy. A super amazing website.

sunset with AB, my bike

2011-01-09T21:48:00.002+08:00

Nuestro Padre Jesus Nazareno

2011-01-09T21:40:00.004+08:00

Nuestro Padre Jesus Nazareno

Nuestro Padre Jesus Nazareno, (Our Father Jesus Nazarene)
Sinasamba Ka namin (We worship Thee)
Pinipintuho Ka namin (We admire Thee)
Aral Mo ang aming buhay (Thy lessons are our life)
at Kaligtasan(and Salvation.)
Nuestro Padre Jesus Nazareno (Our Father Jesus Nazarene)
Iligtas Mo kami sa Kasalanan (Save us from Sin)
Ang Krus Mong Kinamatayan ay (Thy Cross Thou hast died on is)
Sagisag ng aming Kaligtasan (Emblem of our Salvation)

Chorus:
Nuestro Padre Jesus Nazareno (Our Father Jesus Nazarene)
Dinarangal Ka namin (We honour Thee)
Nuestro Padre Jesus Nazareno (Our Father Jesus Nazarene)
Nilul'walhati Ka namin (We glorify Thee)
Nuestro Padre Jesus Nazareno (Our Father Jesus Nazarene)
Dinarangal Ka namin (We honour Thee)
Nuestro Padre Jesus Nazareno (Our Father Jesus Nazarene)
Nilul'walhati Ka namin (We glorify Thee)

------

This year will be my fourth year as a devotee of the Black Nazarene. And I offer the pictures I took and the mass I attended at Quiapo as my offering of thanks to the many times that the Poon heard my pleas and cries for help. So many times, in my dire moments, I ran to Him. I asked. I received. I remember the days when I was still reviewing for the bar exam, I remember the Saturdays of September of 2007. After I leave UP, I’d then hear mass at Quiapo, pray, ask for grace and guidance, go to the hotel, and the next morning, take the Bar Exam. I did this for the four weekends of September 2007. On the last Sunday, instead of staying at Taft Ave after I finished the Ethics exam, instead of enjoying the Salubong as what others are doing, I left Taft, I left La Salle. I knew my sisters and friends were in Taft somewhere, I didn’t have my phone then, for I wanted to avoid the hassle of having to deposit it during the exams, but I didn’t look for them. I boarded the LRT bound for Quiapo. Oblivious of the drumbeats and the cheering along Taft Ave. I went in to Minor Basilica and prayed.

Awaiting for the results for six months, I’ve regularly visited and heard mass at Quiapo. And it’s not only the results of the exams that I’ve been praying for with the Poon. I prayed for everything and anything. I became a regular. And so, though last year I have been a bit of a delinquent in my promise to be in Quiapo even at least once a month, I still remember, I still remain, a devotee of the Black Nazarene, and together with the flock, I celebrate.

Poetry. Music. Biking

2011-01-06T14:24:00.002+08:00

New Decade

2011-01-06T12:34:00.004+08:00

I've let go of my old virtual journal and am starting a new one. And these, my sentiments regarding an ending that's also a beginning:

It’s the start of a new decade. And in my heart I believe that anything can happen at the start of a new decade. So I start a new virtual journal. I saved and saved a PDF file of my 2007-2010 virtual journals. It’s time to say goodbye to them. Time to archive what has to be archived. And now, time to start anew. New spaces to fill. New first page. It is only apt. I cannot start a new decade at page 166 of a virtual journal, can I? It would be carrying too much burden and too much history. For once, I want to feel, ritually new and ritually free of all the stories I’ve been carrying, in a file, in my heart, in my mind. Now a start of a new file, a new page, a new decade. And anything can happen at the start of a new decade. I’m giddy.

Though I can't start a new blog for a new decade, I'd like to think and to remember that this entry, this post begins my journey to another decade. I've had three behind me already, and whenever I pause to remember, I am always amazed at how life unfolds, how far I have travelled and how much I still long to travel. Literally, metaphorically, poetically, spiritually. Now let us see what,where, who 2011-2020 brings me.

Motherhood Moment

2011-01-04T23:10:00.003+08:00

Work. Now. Promise.

2011-01-02T21:29:00.000+08:00

alone again naturally

2010-12-28T19:39:00.003+08:00

sarah's alone. adik lang.
i miss you here, my drinking buddy.
i just can't go home right now, i need a break. from all the family bonding.
would have wanted to text you 'sarah's?' but i know you wouldn't be able to make it in time. sigh.
so, merry christmas and a happy 2011 ahead of us. in sarah's. in rallies. wherever, whatever.Until we all get wrinkled and grey and deviating still. Huraah to that, and you should watch Tuesday's wedding video.I know we don't like weddings, but it's cuuuuttteee!

Here's our cute awwww moment. while Andot, here's your inspiration.

Deconstructing Kdrama: Javabeans and GirlFriday style

2010-12-28T13:18:00.006+08:00

Ok. I have to admit that it’s a bit irresponsible of me to be blogging here, instead of starting on my report, which will be due on the 3rd of January. But I just can’t help but blog about Dramabeans, and the awesomeness of Javabeans and Girlfriday. Proud to be a follower of Dramabeans.com for three years now, and counting.

The context: I’m currently following a wonderful drama via Dramabeans.com, Soompi, Rebel Souls and Kimchidrama. It’s called Secret Garden. It’s a story of one kick ass stunt woman and a department store owner who later soul-swapped and fell in love with each other --- after stare showdowns, bickering, kicking and much cat and dog chase with well written dialogues all over the place. And good acting too!

But the show’s amazing plot, dialogue and acting would not have prompted me to blog as I am blogging now. What prompted me to blog was the current ‘overly heated’ debate over a recap that Javabeans wrote in her blog. It seemed that after writing the recap, the kdrama netizenz of the world divided into pro-Javabeans recap and anti-Javabeans recap. Some even went as far as hating the messenger herself, and the blog. And it was not only at the comment section of Dramabeans that the debate went on and continued, it spilled over to Soompi’s Secret Garden thread to other sites as well. And the topic of the heated debate?

A bed scene. No sex. Just Hyun Bin, as Jo Woon (the department store owner), forcing his way into Ra Im’s (stunt woman) room, then into sharing her bed, and force hugging her. Yes, he chants his ever sweet Kim So Roo chant, a chant he does whenever he misses her, thinks of her, and whenever he tries to take control of his raging emotions and his ‘crazy’. It’s kinda sweet….that he’s holding her so close, closing his eyes, and then chanting his sanity chant. EXCEPT that ….. prior that, he forced his way into her room (by tricking her), he ignores her ‘No’s’ and 'Get Off me’, he traps her body with his long arms and legs as she struggles. All of the above made me feel uncomfortable. Something’s not right. Even with the sweet chanting moment. Something’s definitely not right. Then came Javabeans’ recap . She, of course, as queen of awesomeness, said and said well what has to be said. She gave words of eloquence to what felt uncomfortable and wrong with the scene. Indeed, it ain’t for naught that Dramabeans is for Deconstructing Kdrama and Kpop culture. And I quote her amazingness:

This scene makes me so mad, because I’m so conflicted about it and it’s aggravating that I even feel torn because I know I should just hate it outright, but I realize the chemistry is sizzling and our couple is just so damn electric together. But I can’t enjoy it either, because the moment is just all kinds of wrong.

Yes, he’s hot, and yes, I love Hyun Bin — who wouldn’t want to be aggressively courted by him? But the fact remains that in this situation, a man tricks a woman, forces his way into her room, ignores her repeated protests, shoves her onto a bed, and restrains her body while holding her close. True, he doesn’t attempt any further bodily violations… but really, isn’t that enough? It’s already assault. The fact that he’s a dreamboat doesn’t diminish the ick factor for me.

Perhaps you can argue that Ra-im actually likes him, that her resistance fades, that she’s actually okay with it. But she says no over and over, and struggles, and asks him to get off her. It resembles a lot of the “forced seduction” scenarios of old romance novels, the kind of scenes that romanticized rape (hey, the hero got the heroine to like it, therefore his brute force was justified) — but which are, tellingly, no longer considered acceptable.

This is so close to the whole “She was asking for it” argument that gets thrown around, the lame defense of “It’s not assault because she liked it, honest.” I’m just… really, really torn about this moment because I want to like it, in fact I do sort of see the appeal and that drives me nuts. Because I also hate it. The very fact that Joo-won IS so appealing is not a mitigating factor but in fact an exacerbating one — it blurs the lines so that you want to cut him some slack, and that does everyone a grave disservice.

I’m more irritated with the drama itself than I am with Joo-won the character, because it’s one thing for a flawed character to act in stupid ways. But it’s a whole other thing for a drama to put forth this scenario and then romanticize it as sexy and moving, putting an uncomfortable glossy sheen on a situation that at its core is deeply problematic. Even if I hadn’t personally known friends (yes, plural) who were raped by men who claimed after the fact, “I thought you wanted it,” it would be hugely upsetting. Oh, it’s okay to assault a woman if she likes you back? Okay, then. Swoon.

And GirlFriday follows it up with her own awesomeness that I’m loving my Kdrama heroines for standing up for the rest of Kdramaland to read and hear:

“As for the spirited debate over Episode 13′s bed scene: many people have argued that intent (to only hug) excuses actions (forcing her onto the bed for a hug). Does that mean if I steal twenty dollars from javabeans with the intention of giving it back (really, I swears it!) that means my actions are justified? Intent is important, sure—it’s the very crucial difference between murder and manslaughter, for instance—but that doesn’t mean that there are no consequences for the action. You still gotta do time for manslaughter.

I don’t know what Joo-won’s intent was, because I’m not him. But his actions violated the one principle, in my book, that should be universal: when I say get off of me, get the fuck off of me. I don’t care if Ra-im is a Badass Stuntmaster Extraordinaire™ or the goddamn Second Coming of Yoda; whether man or woman, big or little, strong or weak, this is a fundamental respect for another human being’s body that should be adhered to. That’s MY universe, and dramas, and all fiction, no matter how fantastical or mystical, are a reflection of that ‘verse.

When they mess with my fundamental rules, it’s my prerogative to get my sparkly panties in a bunch over it, as it is anyone else’s, to do the opposite. That’s the fun, yeah? It’s naïve to assume that television as a form of popular entertainment is not borne of a culturally specific time and place, and that it has no effect on the world it came from, or the one that will come after it. That is the cycle of pop culture and the way we consume, react to, and create it.

Unwanted-advances-as-romance is a socially problematic issue. If the argument is that Ra-im really did want the advances, well then I’d say, Drama, she should have said, “Yes, please, with a snuggle on top!” and not, “No.” Javabeans was calling attention to something that is actually a rather old issue to have plagued many works of fiction and in many ways more egregious than Secret Garden‘s. But that doesn’t excuse the drama from having made the call to portray that scene in all its ambiguity. Of course we’re going to call Show out on that shit. Hello, have you met us?”

And if I get such amazing insights while enjoying my daily dose of Kdrama addiction? I wouldn’t even feel so guilty at all. No empty escapism here. Kudos to Javabeans and GirlFriday.

Lovestory in pictures: Post Nuptials in Pulag

2010-12-27T18:44:00.006+08:00

Saint-Exupery says:

Being in love is not only looking at each other,

It is looking at the same direction...

Meet My Optimus Prime

2010-12-16T13:30:00.006+08:00

Born out of utmost love and longing on 9 December 2010. My Birthday gift to my 30 year old self. And here are few of his first takes:

The Annual Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gone Electronic

2010-12-10T13:14:00.003+08:00

I've been doing this in my journals for so long. That I could basically unearth my today's birthday horoscope for, say 2006 or 2008. But since I'm no longer that keen on keeping hard copy journals, I've decided to post my horoscope here. Let's see where this will lead me. I'll even perhaps post my birthday tarot readings. That is, when I finally find the time to do so.

Of 30

2010-12-06T13:53:00.002+08:00

Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.

-Robert Frost

Dare for more

2010-11-17T09:22:00.000+08:00

Be Happy

2010-11-17T09:08:00.004+08:00

Be happy in the moment, that's enough. Each moment is all we need, not more.

-Mother Teresa

Rock!

2010-11-14T00:28:00.003+08:00

My first rock climb ever. My first uploaded climbing foto courtesy of my belayer. Acidic Route. Atimonan, Quezon. Rock!

Girl Power sa araw ng Siklista

2010-11-10T15:42:00.006+08:00

One of the biking quotes I’ve encountered in the net is from Susan B. Anthony, she says:

Let me tell you what I think of bicycling. I think it has done more to emancipate women than anything else in the world. It gives women a feeling of freedom and self- reliance. i stand and rejoice every time I see a woman ride by on a wheel…the picture of free untrammeled womanhood

I liked it then, but not enough to have the will to blog and expound about it. Until yesterday, when I participated in the Araw ng Siklista. The bike caravan’s route requires going through 17 cities of Manila. It started around 7:30 in the morning and ended (if one opted to finish the caravan from start to finish) around 6:00 in the evening. When the caravan started, there were still a lot of women who participated, but a lot didn’t even mean 50 out of the hundreds of men with their bikes. By the last leg of the caravan, there were less than five of us, women, girls, who finished route. What I found amazing, and inspiring all throughout the day-long ride were the common reaction of children and some old people we passed by in the 17 cities. When my other woman friend and me passed by, they would all be shouting, or exclaiming, or uttering in wonder “uy, may babae!” “Babae oh! May babae pala”. It wasn’t random. It wasn’t isolated. In the 17 cities we passed through, with all the bystanders on a Sunday morning or afternoon, we would always hear how amazed the children were—-mostly children, that there were women/girls participating in the araw ng siklista. Perhaps, after seeing so many men in their bikes pass by, they are surprised that there are women/girls who participated.

It was then that I fully understood and appreciated the above quote. We weren’t exceptionally strong bikers, we had women friends who are far too hardcore in biking as compared to our meager effort, and yet seeing and hearing the reaction of the children in seeing us during the caravan is indeed emancipating, empowering. Indeed, biking for women is empowering. And indeed, that in seeing other women/girls ride their bikes, I hope, the little girls we passed by would also come to enjoy such freedom — and someday ride their very own bikes.

FB Status

2010-11-05T14:14:00.008+08:00

"It's friday, I'm in love"

---

six friends clicked they liked the status.
and counting...
a professor friend says "Yipee"
and a former student says "as always"

what i realize from this random status, borne out of a friday hectic schedule and squeezed in between daydreams:

that i have been alone for so long.
that people would really consider it A STATUS if I say that I am in love.
they hope.i hope. but, no, i'd still consider if i will hope. i still don't want things to get complicated. and falling in love does that. messy. messy business.

the many possible scenarios of falling in love in Kdramaland has filled this little head with too much to work on. too much to get giddy and all fluttery stomach about, that as Andot would say, reality can no longer compete.

i need my own kdrama. my own hong gil dong, hwang tae kyung. or woong-a.if it were to work. which means it won't work.

still. it was fun. yey. it's a friday and i'm in love.
with me. with falling in love. with kdramalove.

Hong Gil Dong: They are together and they travel together not because they need each other but because, either way they'd be travelling the same road, the same path. And even the death they shared isn't at all that tragic. All for the cause, and together they stood.

You're Beautiful:And his OC, perfectionist ways, his built up walls and defenses --- came tumbling down for her.And the mighty Hwang Tae Kyung is humanized.

Personal Taste:Classic I'm crushing on my 'gay' best friend. what with his hot looks and the 'i'll be there for you ways' attitude like buying pads, and sitting through menstrual cramps

Wish Upon A Star: It's a "Yakapin mo ako, Kasama ng aking mundo" drama. My "mundo", include my five adopted siblings, among others.

My Girl Friend is A Gumiho: Now this is a "love me for what i am" drama. the what being a "gumiho", or a "nine tailed fox". good thing she's superbly beautiful and loyal.

Playful Kiss: The virtues of patience and perseverance. More like "walang matigas na tinapay sa mainit na kape". I am not at all convinced. But like its Taiwanese counterpart, "It started with a kiss", it's awfully cute and engaging.

Sungkyunkwan Scandal:Ohhhh. The courage and the angst of idealism and the the fragrance and beauty of youthful love.

The Road to Bicolandia

2010-11-02T10:58:00.006+08:00

I realize that i can't possibly keep up with my a photo a day plan. But still, i'd give it a try. My five days of road-food trip to Bicolandia. it's a different kind of pleasure, different from climbing, running or biking, where i feel so literally physically intimate with the place...in a road-food trip, the level of intimacy is different, more on sights and tastes and smell. i'm not really used to being a tourist as i am used to climbing, biking or running my way through a place, but I've discovered too, the beauty of good, tasty food,the beauty of seeing towns, municipalities and cities pass by...the beauty of old, aged churches...Even then, I still found myself running 10 km along Tiwi Albay 's coastal road, as always, I'd prefer the literal, sweaty and physical intimacy with a place. But it was a good ride, Bicolandia. Next time, I'd get physical with you. That's a promise I intend to keep.

Let the pictures do the talking, for now.

---

I find travelling to be, once again spiritual, Like running, climbing and biking, it also gives me the chance to once again know myself. Specially when I travel alone and for long distances.

I like watching through the bus window: seeing the towns, municipalities and cities pass by;

I like watching through the plane’s window and seeing there, the cities and the towns, and the islands get smaller and smaller, and farther and farther away;

I like the idea of leaving and going somewhere, I like the idea of being the one who leaves, instead of the being the one who waits.

One of these days. I’d try travelling outside of the country, And I’d try it alone too. I’d again find and know myself out there, as I do when I travel here.

I have always known. That I was born to travel and to wander. And that’s what I have set myself to do. Along with everything else.

Like climbing; Mt. Mayon, Mt Apo, Mt. Halcon, Mt. Guiting-Guiting, Mt. Bulusan, Mt. Kalatungan, Mt. Kinabalu. Biking through Corregidor and Bataan, and Lucban, and even Bukidnon. Swimming with Butanding. Go visit Palawan, Bohol,Camiguin.

I’m humoring myself again. It’s nice to think of one’s bucket list inside a bus somewhere in Bicol, and on my way home.

As I love the idea of leaving and going somewhere, I also draw comfort in the idea of arriving and setting down my back pack…comforted that I am finally at home.

musings for all soul's day

2010-11-01T21:17:00.001+08:00

Today is all soul's day. I haven't visited a cemetery,but this bus,which i have been riding for 11 hours now,have passed through countless cemeteries,from Bicol to Quezon provinces.I've seen people visiting their dead, I've seen the candles and the flowers along the street. I would have wanted to light a candle too: for those I come to remember today, my grandparents,uncles and aunt, my neighbors,my teachers in law,most especially Sir Tilanduca. When this bus ride ends,I'll light my candle, in remembrance...and in prayer. I will light a candle and offer a prayer too, for Vic--- the 22 year old guide who accompanied me to the peak of Mt. Kanlaon.He shared that special moment with me,he took my pictures and he patiently waited as I prayed and cut strands of my hair and blew them to the crater. He even joked that if I did that in every mountain I climbed, I'd end up shorthaired soon...then yesterday I've heard that he died, a motorcycle accident. The news disturbed me a lot: jolting me once again how fragile life is, how unexpected, how it can take on a radical turn. My thought turns to morbid: what if it happened to me? Would I be able to say then, as Gandhi once said that his life is his message? If God wills the end of my days now,would my life's message be clear?and would it have been satisfactory?Grim thoughts. Rainy day. All soul's day.

Officially starting my picture a day journey

2010-10-26T11:50:00.003+08:00

my few pictures, an office day with trudis and my purple lappy; tools of the trade, the materials used by the Bataan jail inmates in their noise barrage, seen during the ocular inspection conducted by CHR; a picture of Kahlil and my sis, Mommy Sheena, in a UP family day sunday. Hopefully, with this new resolve, the days to come will not only be filled with words, but also with images.

A Picture a Day Journey

From a friend's facebook account, i've read of her goal of having 365 pictures: that is one picture for each day of the year. I've been taking random pictures and uploading them via twitpic. The concept is the same, looking forward to each day and to that single picture that would represent the day's event. It's a change too, that where words would fail,pictures would have to do the talking.

after a 10km run thought

2010-10-22T20:42:00.005+08:00

"Running, climbing and biking, are, for me, spiritual. They give me time to know my heart, my soul, my God."

Rewind: Medicina

2010-10-14T23:25:00.002+08:00

I'd want to write of how frustrated I am and how angry.
But the words elude me.
I've been here so many times before,
I've grown speechless and numb. I'm fed up and tired.
So I repost, how I managed to cope up before...

-------

MEDICINA

He would make her bleed again. It has always been this way. Just when she thought the nightmare is over and that things are back to normal. He would make her bleed.Just as he made his mother bleed each and every time his pain bears down on him. Like a wounded animal he lashes out.

“I told you to give me the medicina. What has taken you so long? Haven’t you heard me calling? Haven’t you any sympathy for your ailing grandfather?”

He coughs, he winces in pain. I restrain my anger and answered in a calm voice:

“But, lolo, I was out in the backyard, I was gathering “alugbati” for tonight’s “Monggo Soup”

“Excuses!Excuses! out gathering “alugbati” were you? Or were you just parading your saya for the neighborhood boys to drool on? You are really no different from your puta of a mother! The gods must have been angry at me to burden me with such imbeciles! ----- My medicina --- Haven’t you heard a single word I’ve said?”

Before reaching out for my grandfather’s medicina at the top of the refrigerator, before crossing the kitchen to where his seemingly frail yet hardened figure sits, I knew exactly what would happen next. I knew that as soon as I approach him on his wheel chair at the corner of the sala, and as soon I lay the glass of table on the lamesita by his side, his steel cane would be bearing down my legs, beating, and beating, and beating these frails legs red.

I reached for the medicine. Poured a glass of water. Dragged my frail legs to my fate --- a predictable one.

My grandfather drank his medicines. A satisfied smile on his face, just as my mother came in. A basketful of vegetable and groceries on her arm. Her face sweaty and dark, the smell of the market hanging about her.

She sees me kneeling in front of my grandfather’s wheelchair. If she hadn’t known any better, if she was a stranger to this scene, she would have thought that an old man was telling a story to a girl with long curly hair. But a stranger she’s not, the bright crimson streaks on my flower-printed skirt, the red-pinkish drops on the white tiled floor, tell her all she needs to know. Even before the blow, I know she is already bleeding

“And where have you been puta? I would not be surprised if this daughter of yours ended up a puta like you. Burdened by your likes I am sure to die soon even before this illness gets me!”

My mother’s fate too, is predictable. It could be anything, anything at all --- but the bleeding is certain. Lolo sure has his way of finding his medicina --- his cure.

-kstarubin-
(father's day 2009)

-------

This time around though, I refuse to bleed.
You will no longer have that power over me.
I will claim myself. I will own me.

Our longing is the way - Rumi

2010-10-13T13:53:00.003+08:00

somehow, i have always known
and i have always felt the truth of the statement.
a silent truth, that has always been there
all along. it has been the drive and the reason
the because and the why
the very essence of how each second and each minute
is decidedly spent or unspent
it is the thirst and the hunger
that continually awaits
its becoming
its fulfillment

a promise is a beginning and a goal

2010-10-11T10:19:00.000+08:00

image from here

A Teachers's Day Visit: Atty. Reginaldo Tilanduca

2010-10-11T09:14:00.000+08:00

October 5 was World Teacher's Day. I had the dream the day before, October 4. Not at night time, as dreams are oft to come but around five to six am in the morning. I know the time for I arrived home around five in the morning from my caticlan-manila roro trip. I slept, exhausted from the long trip and knowing I had to be at work by 9 am. I woke up startled around almost 7 in the morning, I woke up for I vividly dreamed of my favorite Professor in law school. My drinking partner, my mentor, my counselor, my friend, my father, all rolled into one.

He died May 12, 2007, four months before I had to take the Bar Exams. He died while I was in Manila, reviewing for the Bar, he was then in Malaybalay. I last saw him April of 2007. The graduation party. Then I next saw him in a dream, several months (almost a year) after he died. That dream, I hugged him and I said my good bye. I also admonished him for leaving without even giving me the chance to say goodbye.

That was the only time he dropped by in my dreams. I've passed the bar. I am now a lawyer. I've worked for a former Justice of the Supreme Court, resigned for ideological reasons, followed my ideals, worked for women's rights, and now I am working in a National Human Rights Institution. Then I dremt of him.

A dream within a dream. I knew I was dreaming, I knew I was talking to him in a dream. We were in a classroom. I was so engrossed in a discussion on the hypocrisy of the church and the bishops, I was complaining, whining even, to him about the RH Bill. I was saying that I’m getting pathetic that I cannot even discuss my take on RH Bill in any venue and that it had to be in a dream, and in front of him, where I can discuss what Celdran did and the RH Bill. I was definitely agitated and frustrated. He smiled, put his arms around me. I missed him so much then, the ease by which I am able to discuss anything with him…and that with him gone, no one’s there to take his place. Then he said one curious thing. In a soft voice he told me : “It doesn’t have to be so”.

I woke up. Thinking. What could he have meant? I wanted to sleep again, and make him explain. Elaborate. But of course, it doesn’t happen that way.

Looking Back @ Reproductive Health Drama

2010-10-07T12:47:00.000+08:00

I've been tinkering with my blogs, and I chanced upon an old entry on the Reproductive Health Bill, written way back in September of 2008. Then, it was referred to as House Bill 5043. The blog entry was in reaction to the opposition which the bill faced. Old arguments, old issues, but looking at my complaints then, and what the church is actually doing now: the excommunication and civil disobedience threats, the situation has not at all improved, but has gone worse. The church has become nastier, baring its fangs and more and more going back to its medieval roots.

Two years ago, I would not have imagined that the church would go for cheap threats like excommunication or civil disobedience. I would not have imagined the clergy and CBCP to stoop so low. I was in for a surprise. Yet all the hype and all the threats coming from the clergy these past few days, thanks to Carlos Celdran and his courageous act, and thanks to the wonders of internet and FB, RH Bill is finally getting the attention it aptly deserves. We, from women's organizations, we, as feminists, all rejoice. And more so that we would rejoice if this will push through. If PNoy will stand his ground despite threats and despite pressure from the church, and if our lawmakers, will, for once, hear the voices of the multitude, and the vocies of women clamouring for the passage of RH Bill.

Here's looking back to my old RH sentiments way back 29 September 2008.

Rants and Raves on Reproductive Health Bill (HB 5043)

Chang and I talked last week the plight of HB 5043. She already had her say on the bill in her blog. Now its my social responsibility to have mine (ahem). The news revealed that as it is, some 120 congressmen were awaiting their turn to speak for or against the bill. The argument in Congress is getting bigger; not a day would pass without a mention/ write up about the bill in the newspapers; blogs, emails, on line petitions for and against the bill abound. And all for the better. The more talk, the merrier. The more informed the public would be. Chang and I ended up joking, maybe we should measure up a person by asking if she’s/ he’s pro or anti the Reproductive Health Bill. Why not ?it basically reveals a person’s a) dogma ; b) open-mindedness; c) whether he or she is informed or just part of the band wagon, riding with the mob ( to an unknown destination); d) or for THEIR part, it spells whether one is an abortionist, a sinner, an immoral or a promiscuous person, an anti-life.

—–

The arguments against the bill are not all that new. If you’re pro HB 5043 then you are labeled by the church as evil and immoral, an anti-life, an abortionist. You are sure doomed to rot in the fires of hell. Puhleasse…Are we back to the Middle Ages?Is this the village priest of the Spanish period out to get the Indios for their Pagan practices? Good for those of us who have access to the internet to verify facts for ourselves, but how about the rest of the flock? How about the woman I sat with in church who looked so appalled when the priest said that this proposed bill is the work of the devil?; that this bill is pro-abortion?; that to plan ones family with contraceptives is sinful and immoral? If that woman already had six children, on the verge of poverty and would like to call it quits for a while — through contraceptives, would she then be risking her soul to the burning pits of hell? And if indeed she refuses to use contraceptives (as she can’t risk her precious soul), and the natural method fails… isn’t her life and her children’s life, with the rising prices of goods, gas, rice, corrupt public officials, lack of social service facilities, etc., etc, also a living hell?—–Unconstitutional. They say the Bill violates one of the Constitution’s State Principles and Policies (Art. 2, sec. 12) which states that:

The state recognizes the sanctity of family life and shall protect and strengthen the family as a basic institution. It shall equally protect the life of the mother and the life of the unborn from conception…

State Principles and Policies (Article 2) are not self executory provisions of the Constitution (unlike that of the Bill of Rights). They do not embody judicially enforceable rights, but guidelines for legislation. As such, a section in Article II cannot be used to attack the constitutionality of HB 5043. (This argument was used when the constitutionality of WTO-GATT was questioned, its constitutionality was upheld, as the constitutional provision relied upon was also found in Art. 2, a non self-executory provision) .The better reason however is that the bill itself, does protect the life of the mother (from the perils of unwanted pregnancies and complications brought about by hilot abortions); it protects the unborn from conception (nothing in the bill imposes the killing of a fetus); it recognizes the sanctity of the family and strengthens it (by empowering the women to decide when to stop conceiving — thus assuring a quality life for her family and her children).

—–

What’s unconstitutional for sure would be bringing a child into the world and violating his/ her right to a decent life. What is unconstitutional would be the deprivation of a woman’s right to her own body, including the right to choose whether she wants to get pregnant or not.It all boils down to the right to life, which is the most basic of all rights. Such right does not merely mean the right to animal existence, but that of a decent, quality existence. As defined by Justice Malcolm, the right to life includes the right of an individual to his body in its completeness, free from dismemberment, and extends to the use of God given faculties which makes life enjoyable.
——

The different measures for reproductive health under HB 5043 include those which prevent conception: we have the common ones like condoms, IUD, and some other measures which have the effect of either preventing fertilization or preventing the fertilized egg from attaching to the female uterus. Now here comes the loud BOOMING voice of the anti-HB 5043 :That’s precisely abortion! They all claim. You sin! You kill!But what is abortion? In our criminal laws : It is the violent expulsion of the fetus from the maternal womb. By contraception, what is prevented is the conception itself, what can one abort when nothing is conceived? As for the more controversial measures of contraception…that of preventing the fertilized egg from attaching to the uterus…is the fertilized egg already a fetus? And thus abortion? The dictionary would call it embryo. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, according to an Inquirer writer pegs as “abortificients” those measures that take effect after the “implantation” of the fertilized egg to the uterine wall. The church has obviously adopted the broader definition of abortion.

—–

My sister, Ms. Black and White, would define abortion as the killing of the life of a fertilized egg. In that sense she succumbs to the arguments aforementioned. She’s totally against anything that kills the egg once it’s fertilized. But she’s pro- HB 5043. Why? Because never was it imposed by the HB 5043 that a single contraceptive be used. It provides choices. It opens to women the liberty of informed choice. If you’re the type whose morals can’t stand the prevention of a fertilized egg from attaching to the female uterus (the broad view of abortion), you are never forced to succumbed to the same, you can always choose from among the different measures provided. What is important, and what even my Black and White sister (but not close minded like so many people…) supports is the fact that HB 5043 would make these choices available and accessible to many women; that they would be informed that they have a choice — not a limited to hilots, not limited to untested and clinically harmful medicines and herbs ; not limited to clinics located at the outskirts of Quiapo, not limited to just dumping a baby on a jar by the street. What’s wrong with that? Furthermore, the measure protects and empowers women. Something that should have been done a long time ago. Something that was perceived to be on the way, but now, revealed to be really a long, long, long, long, way to go.

—–

I know someone whose live in partner had three children with him. After that, she had three consecutive abortions. I am not about to generalize, that’s not my crime (its theirs’), but doesn’t this merely reinforce what the surveys have been saying all along? That it’s not really the hot blooded teens who seek abortion but the married ones? What bothered me though, when the friend told me the story, is the reason behind the decision. Why three abortions? Because she doesn’t want to get pregnant anymore. Economics.Practicality. (can’t blame her, with three and the oldest at 6 and youngest at 1). How? Hilot. Medicines. Is it safe? Don’t know. That’s precisely it. The risk involved, that they, in their ivory tower of wrong and right could just impose, judge and condemn. How convenient…to judge from a distance, to impose from afar, to condemn and to damn….when you have never known and you have never suffered…and when it is not your body and your future which is at stake. Shall we make pigs out of our women? Shall we threaten them with the burning flames of hell for their alleged audacity to exercise informed choice?

—–

I don’t know, but this raucous of the Catholic Church over HB 5043 reminds me of the witch hunts and witch burnings of the Middle ages. I believe I am not alone in this (Chang?). I thought the world’s through with that…spurring masses blindly into one dogmatic cause. The threat of the burning fires of hell for those who dare disobey (not His laws but their interpretation of it, which have conveniently become the Law). That’s precisely the reason I went agnostic years ago. I cannot take blind adherence, I cannot just accept that what they would say is supposedly a given. Though I am back to going to church, though I am back to believing and having faith. I am making an informed choice (and I do not regret having been an agnostic — it has made my faith deeper, not imposed but self willed), I am no longer following blindly. I have faith, not because of some dogmatic preacher or institution, but because of Him who I believe is beyond all these; of Him whom I get to know in the silence, in nature, in prayer…not in noisy propaganda allowing the oppression of His people, allowing discrimination… (the anti-thesis of what he has taught). So Puhleaasee again, can they just stop it? Why brandish the name of God to further their cause? Why invoke our faith to invoke our fear and therefore submission ?

—–

Some anti HB 5043 a congressmen, in countering the arguments of pro- HB 5043 resort to immature name calling. Not only do they call the pro-HB 5043 congressmen as abortionists and advocates of promiscuity, they have the audacity to accuse the pro- HB 5043 congressmen as immoral and of having failed to perform their moral duty towards the people. Yes, everyone is entitled to his/her opinion. What may be moral to one may be immoral to another. But we are talking here about congressmen; men elected by the people to protect and further the people’s interests; men, who upon taking office swore to uphold the Constitution. Doesn’t the Constitution mandate the separation of the church and the state? and isn’t it specifically phrased as to preclude no other interpretation?: The separation of the church and the state shall be inviolable. So why is the Church actively (how mild — considering all the noise, the signature campaign after every mass, the large banners with catch phrases like : Magpapa-ligate ang asawa mo na hindi mo alam, papayag ka ba?) meddling with congress’ legislations? Why are anti HB 5043 using morality as an argument to win their cause? Is it because they cannot win the argument through surveys, studies, national interest, population control and economics? Aghh, what a safe safety blanket for them. Morality. A vague, vague, vague word capable of so many definitions by so many people.

—

To end, the million dollar question: Are you anti or pro HB 5043? Please make an informed choice.

Ode to Pocahontas

2010-09-28T15:46:00.000+08:00

and here is now the longing and the dream:

Colors of the Wind

You think you own whatever land you land on
The Earth is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature
Has a life, has a spirit, has a name

You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You'll learn things you never knew you never knew

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned?
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest
Come taste the sunsweet berries of the Earth
Come roll in all the riches all around you
And for once, never wonder what they're worth

The rainstorm and the river are my brothers
The heron and the otter are my friends
And we are all connected to each other
In a circle, in a hoop that never ends

How high will the sycamore grow?
If you cut it down, then you'll never know
And you'll never hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon

For whether we are white or copper skinned
We need to sing with all the voices of the mountains
We need to paint with all the colors of the wind

You can own the Earth and still
All you'll own is Earth until
You can paint with all the colors of the wind

-Disney, Pocahontas-

Shoot Me!

2010-09-21T01:51:00.000+08:00

I deserve to be shot.
procastinating.
deliberately delaying.
the pages remain blank
lines and paragraphs unwritten.
time ticks, and i blog
when i should have started writing
hours ago
still my fingers refuse
and remain uninspired

shoot me
then raise me up
renewed and eager to write

Getting Inspired

2010-09-17T22:23:00.000+08:00

New Goal

2010-09-16T20:07:00.000+08:00

I'm looking at a new goal. A full Marathon of 42K by March 2011. Tough. Whew. A dream marathon. As a biker friend once told me before a tough uphill --- "if not now, when?" I disappointed my bike friend, I didn't even gave it a decent try then, and yes, I regretted it. I literally gave up even before I started, (the worst move a person can ever do, in anything, that is). what one thinks, is what one does,and so, i am going to do it differently now. I CAN DO THIS. 42 K. FULL MARATHON. BY MARCH 2011. WHY NOT?

Another friend, upon learning of the TBR Dream marathon said that it's as if her life had a new meaning. i like that. another goal. a new meaning, a new drive. let's go, then. to the difficult, but fulfilling road ahead. Let us willingly go beyond our comfort zones.

Pictures from:

the bullrunner and reel running

How to be Alone (Tanya Davis)

2010-09-14T19:54:00.000+08:00

If you are at first lonely, be patient.

If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren’t okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it.

We can start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library, where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books; you’re not supposed to talk much anyway so it’s safe there.

There is also the gym, if you’re shy, you can hang out with yourself and mirrors, you can put headphones in.

Then there’s public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there’s prayer and mediation, no one will think less if your hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously avoided based on your avoid being alone principles.

The lunch counter, where you will be surrounded by “chow downers”, employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town, and they, like you, will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with “eat lunch and run”, take yourself out for dinner; a restaurant with linen and Silverware. You’re no less an intriguing a person when you are eating solo desert and cleaning the whip cream from the dish with your finger. In fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it’s dark and soothing, alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.

And then take yourself out dancing, to a club where no one knows you, stand on the outside of the floor until the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one’s watching because they’re probably not. And if they are, assume it is with best human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats, is after-all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you’re sweating. And beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things. Down your back, like a book of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you. Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, they are always statues to talk to, and benches made for sitting gives strangers a shared existence if only for a minute, and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversation you get in by sitting alone on benches, might of never happened had you not been there by yourself.

Society is afraid of alone though. Like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements. Like people must have problems if after awhile nobody is dating them.

But lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless, and lonely is healing if you make it.

You can stand swathed by groups and mobs or hands with your partner, look both further and farther in the endless quest for company.

But no one is in your head. And by the time you translate your thoughts an essence of them maybe lost or perhaps it is just kept. Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those “sappy slogans” from pre-school over to high school groaning, we’re tokens for holding the lonely at bay.

Cause if you’re happy in your head, then solitude is blessed, and alone is okay.

It’s okay if no one believes like you, all experiences unique, no one has the same synapses, can’t think like you, for this be relived, keeps things interesting, life’s magic things in reach, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t connected, and the community is not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it.

Take silence and respect it.

If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it, if your family doesn’t get you or a religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it.

You could be in an instant surrounded if you need it.

If your heart is bleeding, make the best of it.

There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

(SOURCE: LYBIO.net. Copyrights: Tanya Davis)

have faith in me

2010-09-14T14:12:00.001+08:00

.it'd better start somewhere, so i guess, i have no choice but to do so.

Photo: my digitally enhanced watercolor painting

Note to Self:

2010-09-13T16:01:00.000+08:00

I promise, when i grow old, i won't be a cranky, irrational and needy lady. I will stay happy and not make a habit of making other people (happy people) unhappy. Friends, if I get to be like that, just shoot me. Please.

Picture from: http://being-desi.blogspot.com/

Biking Out

2010-09-12T20:06:00.000+08:00

one of the entries in my fifty things I'd want to do before i die is to join a bike out, a real one. i've had one in Baler. but I'd still consider the bike out I've had this weekend as a step higher than Baler. For one, it was much too scary: not because its a trail ride, but because it's half an urban ride: a ride through the wide and wild Commonwealth avenue, Fairview, Lagro and to Bulacan: yes, in the midst of the traffic jungle: speeding buses, crazy jeepney drivers and bustling pedestrians. twice i almost bumped a bumbling pedestrian. once, i almost knicked a car's hood in getting through. After the urban jungle comes the uphill struggle ,the ascent to Norzagaray, Bulacan, itself. Yes, the view is breathtaking, but really, when you're pedalling like crazy under the heat of the sun, with aching and stressed out knees, the view could only help so much. A downhill, or a break would be much more welcome.

So there i was, alone on the upward ascent. the strong ones left me behind, and i find myself pedalling and pedalling. granny gear and all, a very slow ascent. I talk to myself: hey, the view is breathtaking. self says, really now. huff.puff.huff.puff. it was a good thing i decided to quit smoking; self agrees, true, this long ascent could have literally killed us. huff.puff.huff.puff. another attempt at communication: you can do this, you're actually fulfilling one of your goals. self talks back; comown, this is not really the time, more of why am i doing this again? huff.puff.huff.puff. whistle. i can do this. i can do this. and i did. slowly but surely, i did.

and so when we arrived at Bitbit Bridge, i totally celebrated. red horse.

the next day however, i was faced with a very long uphill ride. i got lazy. i got discouraged. before i even rode my bike, i have decided i am going to walk it out, that i can't do it. that was a wrong thought to have. as i believed, so i did. i walked it out. rode and walked and rode and walked. 'til the very top of that steep uphill. embarrassing and cowardly of me.

from there, followed a lot of downhill rides. endless downhill rides, passing through curves, silent fields, lazy neighborhoods, wonderful views, whizzing past jeepneys and buses....then came the traffic and the uphill smoke infested road to civilization. and the heat. the heat. kills. can't wait for the ride to end.

UP. Gatorade. Mango Shake and Grilled Chicken at Lutong Bahay. i congratulate AB, my dear bike.
I congratulate me.

Punk Rules!!!!

2010-09-06T16:04:00.000+08:00

It’s a Monday and I’m at the office. I am not as busy as every one else and I still have my UPM Punks Not Dead party hangover. It was way too fun and way too wild….But one thing I’d always remember of the party would be the experience of riding the LRT and MRT wearing my punks not dead attire and make up. It was one of a kind. It was like becoming a different person. It’s no longer me, wearing a punk attire and make up. It was somebody else. Consumed by the punk spirit, I carried the role like an artist given a task. I was not thinking, hey this is me, CHR lawyer me. I was not thinking that I was merely wearing a costume on my way to a costume party . I was somebody else. A different person. Defying the world, defying the mainstream and defying the status quo. I took on a challenging look. As if telling everybody, so what if I’m dressed and made up like this. What is it to you? A lot of people indeed stared. Children, mothers, fathers, teenagers. They all stared. And stared again. Their thoughts were written all over their faces. I’m weird. I’m different. I’m crazy. What the hell? Not a single one of them would have thought that I am a lawyer, or that I am, for a fact a professional. They cannot see beyond the clothes and the make up. They cannot see beyond what is presented before them. To them, I’m just another of the city’s weirdos. One of the crazies. It was then that I empathized with the punks, the rockistas, the emos, the hiphops and all the forms of resistance there is. I band with them in defying the ‘so called’ norm. I band with them in defying the concepts of what must be and ought to be. I band with them in encouraging individuality and creativity in place of passivity and seeming normalcy. In my two train rides, and infused with punk spirit, I felt proud to be defiant and to be different. No matter how brief the experience was, it was worth treasuring. That of defying, that of standing up to the rest of the normal world and saying, in the most obvious manner there is --- that one does not care and one is not afraid to be different.

Punk rules!!!!

Back after 10 Years: Pinageneralan

2010-09-03T11:20:00.000+08:00

Twilight Zone

and

Trail from Pinageneralan Camp

My last and only climb in Pinageneralan was in 2000. It was a training climb. And it was ten years ago. I've been back to the mountain this weekend, and needless to say, I couldn't seem remember much of the trail. Except the turn after the Inudoro or Twilightzone, and of course, the campsite itself. But it's definitely good to be back. This reminded me of the poem I wrote after climbing Pico de Loro in 2008. It was my first official UPM climb after six years of absence.

REUNION

The loaded back pack;
the trek
felt strangely familiar.

I’ve done this before.
This body remembers:

the weight of the load,
the strain of ascent.

Yet the memory has been
buried too deep;

Shoulders bound to strain,
knees weaken

Where have my six years
gone?

when they conquered Everest;

when they hopped from

peak to peak; island to island;

and one country to another?

I too climbed.

mountain ranges of books,

a six year climb on my
own.

All the while dreaming —

taking up my bag; wearing
my boots;

heading out into the
mountains.

Campsite nights and morns;

Warm coffee at the peak.;

Insatiated,
the passion remains.

My climb ended,

the books are back on the shelves.

The mountains beckon.

I’ve done this before.
This body remembers:

scent of the forest;
mud covering my boots.

The ragged breathing;
the endless sweat.

I feel the weight of the past six years.

But
the spirit
the spirit and the flame that never waned
kept me going,
and going;

atop
this massive rock

more
than a feeling

more
than exhilarating

more
than breathtaking

I hum “ you are near”

breathe in the wind
and take in the view

I fill to my heart’s content,

The hunger
eating this soul
these past six years.

The greens and the blues;
the vast expanse
the hills beyond and seas below:

more
than a feeling

more
than what pictures could capture

more
than what words can convey —

In the silence of this moment

The wind, the trees, the space—

My heart swells with the knowledge

Of the boundless

Of the magnificent.

I am back.

encounter

2010-09-01T18:51:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I met my nineteen year old self.
A friend introduced me to her.
She was smiling back at me
from still frames
full of life. full of energy
beautifully young.

i realize i miss her
and i realize i was way too harsh
back then

i know it now

tapping keyboards on weekends

2010-08-31T12:43:00.002+08:00

i should be more understanding.

i should remind myself that she's one lonely woman.

in a lonely house. her work is all she has and it is her world

it might not be my whole world. but it is hers.

i should understand that.

and understand why she'd bite my head off for opting for the mountains

and the seas

instead of the silence of the office and the tapping of her keyboards

i have a life to live out there. always out there.

she lives in here. and always in here.

i'd want to bite her head off too. i have my human rights to my weekends and long weekends.

to vacation leaves and sick leaves.

to climbing mountains. chasing waves and bike rides.

but i wont.

i have to be more understanding.

she's but a lonely woman.

alone. in a lonely house.

perhaps weekends and silence are cruel to her

that

to escape the nothingness.

she works

and longs for company as she works

but i can't be tapping keyboards with her on weekends

i can't deny the call of the wild and of the 'out there'

and so.

i'd bear the brunt. endure the tirade.

maam. i will understand.

it's not me. it's the life you are not able

not willing to live.

Liquid Magic

2010-08-26T15:57:00.000+08:00

let it rain and once again let it pour
let the pureness of liquid magic
wash me, cleanse me
make me new once more

My name is Aurora Balerya

2010-08-23T22:44:00.000+08:00

My new bike has now a name. She's Aurora Balerya. i originally planned on naming her Balerina, but that might be too dainty. i opted to go for Balerya. From Baler, her first ever out of town trip. Her first ever bike out. Her first ever off road track. The name might sound funny but I really like it. Staying five days in Baler, and visiting other towns of Aurora: Dipaculao, Maria Aurora and San Luis, I have come to apperciate the beauty of the place: where the seas meet the mountains and where rivers and waterfallss meet the sea as well. There remains a silence in Baler, a silence that could also be found in the other towns of Aurora, the place remain prestine and innocent. It remains fresh and soothing. And the experience of biking through its streets, roads, and coastal lanes? Absolutely wonderful!

Life Uncommon

2010-08-16T17:05:00.002+08:00

Don't worry mother, it'll be alright
And don't worry sister, say your prayers and sleep tight
It'll be fine lover of mine
It'll be just fine
Lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend you strength to that which you wish to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And you shall lead a life uncommon
I've heard your anguish
I've heard your hearts cry out
We are tired, we are weary, but we aren't worn out
Set down your chains, ‘til only faith remains
Set down your chains
And lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend your strength to that
Which you wish to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And we shall lead a life uncommon
There are plenty of people who pray for peace
But if praying were enough it would have come to be
Let your words enslave no one and the heavens will hush themselves
To hear our voices ring out clear
With sounds of freedom
Sounds of freedom
Come on you unbelievers, move out of the way
There is a new army coming and we are armed with faith
To live, we must give
To live
And lend our voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend our strength to that which we wish to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And we shall lead...
Lend our voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend our strength to that which we wish to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And we shall lead a life uncommon

-jewel-

"This painting of a pair of down-at-heel shoes prompts speculation on a variety of psychological questions. They have been seen as symbolizing Van Gogh’s difficult passage through life.

A fellow student in Paris reported that Vincent bought these workman’s boots at a flea market, intending to use them in a still life. Finding them still a little too smart, however, he wore them on a long and rainy walk. Only then were they fit to be painted."

(http://www.vangoghmuseum.nl/vgm/index.jsp?page=1576&lang=en)

dear diary, again

2010-08-12T18:27:00.000+08:00

it's raining in the afternoon. My kind of weather,my kind of day. I'm craving for a drink and here i find myself drinking, alone, at Sarah's.Well, not quite alone. I've red horse with me. But i feel really alone without my marlboros. It's something new, drinking alone and not smoking. I thought for a second to give it up and smoke,but i didn't. I've come a long way. Someday, i'd get used to this smokeless drinking nights...

My new baby!!! (And she has no name yet!)

2010-08-11T09:52:00.000+08:00

Years ago, I used to be the girl with the yellow bike.
now its a different bike.
i hope and i wish we'll have a good ride
together.

Take 1: My quitting date 8 August 2010

2010-08-07T22:29:00.000+08:00

I'm currently smoking my last stick of Marlboro before my take 1 quitting day tomorrow. I've an extra of eight sticks and I asked kahlil to throw them out for me. Realistically speaking, this attempt of breaking a more than a decade habit could take me several takes. but i have to start somewhere. and start with a resolve. i want to think positive and believe that i can do this. that i can kick cigarettes out of my life for good.

and so goodbyes for:

coffee and cigarettes
books and cigarettes
red horse and cigarettes
cigarettes and rain
cigarettes at mountain summits
cigarettes after meals
cigarettes thirty minutes after a good run
cigarettes my stress reliever
cigarettes while walking
cigarettes for idle minutes and hours

am going to take a very deep breath and say i quit.
because i promised myself i will.
i was able to quit my other drug addictions and i could do this too.
i'm doing it for i have already asked for a five year extension from my original deadline.
i'm doing this because i know its harmful for my health.
i'm doing thisbecause just like other smokers, i started this b=habit on all the wrong premises.
i'm doing this because i wanna run some more, climb some more, and bike some more.
i'm doing this because others have done so, and i could do it too.
so help me God.

Today, I've only had two sticks of cigarettes. Tomorrow, I plan on not having any. And the day after that and the day after that. august eight seem a good date, as chinese businessmen would say. And so I hope.

So help me God.

Ps.

warning, this blog may be flooded with dear diary quitting smoking entries. if there's one thing that has proven itself in keeping me sane in everything and anything: its writing and so i expect to write every single detail of the difficult journey and ordeal ahead of me.

Ps. Ps : Reminder to self tomorrow: focus, focus, focus. beat the craving and persevere. go Twyla! Go! Ah Jah!

Mark Twain wisdom:

2010-08-07T21:07:00.000+08:00

"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."

---Mark Twain

my little success story

2010-08-06T21:07:00.000+08:00

dear diary,

i've had my last smoke at 1 PM this afternoon. it's already 9:02 in the evening, i've already had one and a half bottle of redhorse. and i haven't smoked. yet. I've eaten a bit of sisig and i'm thinking if its going to take the place of dinner, meaning i can have my after dinner smoke.

no. if i can last it through two bottles without smoking, that's something. that's a success story. my little success story. it doesn't matter if i'm going to light up now. i've a had my little bit of effort. yeah. you go good girl.

dear diary,

i ended up drinking about five bottles last night. i only ligthed up a single stick the entire time. today, i've ahd a single stick, around 3 pm. After i've had both breakfast, lunch and lots of snacks. i've just had a heavy dinner and i haven't lighted up, yet. i'm weathering off the craving.hoping it will subside.if i light up my second stick for the day, will i be ready to go cold turkey tomorrow? do i really have it in me to persevere? to beat this more than a decade addiction?

yes. Am going to light that second stick. yes. i am happy still with my success story. only two sticks for today, that's a stick lesser than yesterday. As the book says, take it a day at a time. still a little success story.

Dear Diary: I really want to quit smoking

2010-08-06T14:12:00.001+08:00

i'm trying. ever since i started reading the book, i thought of trying, once again to quit. I've tried quitting before, not really seriously quitting, but forced to do so because of whooping coughs. this time around, i'm thinking of really trying it. i'm not afraid of failing or ggetting back to smoking for as the book says, every cigarette you refused to burn is a bonus to your lungs, and every hour you refused to smoke (like in my case, three hours), is already a start, and is beneficial. anyways, the book says almost everybody had to quit so many times before being able to kick the habit. and i am so sure, this very minute, a smoker who has vowed not to smoke is actually picking up another stick.

it's good that i have this blog back. this going to be my dear diary, i really wanna quit smoking blog. i'll see how far into the effort i'd really go.

here it goes:

dear diary,

i bought my half pack of marlboros yesterday. i was already halfway through the book on "staying sane while quitting smoking" and i was really contemplating in the probability of me really quitting smoking for good. my thoughts went back to when i was in high school, i promised then that when i'd reach 25, I'd quit smoking. 25 has come and gone, on december i'll be thirty, and that was what i said when i was 25. that when i get to be thirty, i'd quit smoking. now i really have to give this a serious shot. the question is, can i?

so i still smoked the 10 pack cigarette that i bought. i smoked while i read the book. i had about 4 sticks the whole day. at home, i kept myself from lighting up while watching the news. then dinner. it was delicious. i wanted to light up again. but i didn't. i survived until about 10:30 in the evening when i resolved to light a stick. five more in the pack.

sleep. wake up. breakfast. smoke. work. lunch. smoke. work. three more sticks on the pack. i'm thinking...my throat's drying up and i'm really itching to smoke. but i keep my peace. i'm thinking, if its already difficult cutting down on hte supply, how much more difficult would it be absolutely stopping?

well, there's no harm in trying...jus hang in there lungs, i'll get and find, or buy or bribe myself the resolve to go through this, promise.

and I cried

2010-08-05T09:27:00.000+08:00

capping of the pissed off series, the dam burst and i found myself crying. nine or so bottles of redhorse, i could no longer stop myself from crying, and they couldn't stop me too. it's the alcohol crying or perhaps its really me, deed inside. off all the fuck ups i've had recently, i needed that good cry. it's embarrasing though, that i couldn't have waited to do it inside the comfort room. drama queen me. that's why i believe i wouldn't be a good trial lawyer. i can't stop my emotions and they'd eventually betray me...through my voice, my face, my eyes. since the dam has burst, and since i've already had a good cry, i am hoping that this will be the end of my fuck up days. i am hoping that after this, all the stressful and complicated things will go away. for good. please. i just wanna be nice. why is it getting more and more difficult and challenging to be nice?

No. enough of that. positive self baack. am gonna run later. am gonna buy myself a bike. am gonna forget everything that led to my crying. and am gonna stand by my own self. and laugh it off. laugh it off. and laugh it off some more.

Paint the Sky With Stars

2010-08-04T15:29:00.000+08:00

Suddenly before my eyes
Hues of indigo arise
With them how my spirit sighs
Paint the sky with stars

Only night will ever know
Why the heavens never show
All the dreams there are to know
Paint the sky with stars

Who has paced the midnight sky?
So a spirit has to fly
As the heavens seem so far
Now who will paint the midnight star?
Night has brought to those who sleep
Only dreams they cannot keep
I have legends in the deep
Paint the sky with stars

Who has paced the midnight sky?
So a spirit has to fly
As the heavens seem so far
Now who will paint the midnight star?
Place a name upon the night
One to set your heart alight
And to make the darkness bright
Paint the sky with stars.

-ENYA-

My Share of Bad Days Resolutions

2010-08-04T11:34:00.000+08:00

I’ve had bad days recently. I’ve pissed off my superior, I’ve pissed off my officemate, I’ve pissed off friends, I’ve pissed off myself. This has been the longest ever pissed off moments I’ve had. Fucking up most of the time, I am now seriously thinking of:

1. Keeping a vow of silence and indifference
2. Becoming a vegetarian
3. Quitting Smoking
4. Practicing yoga and other supposedly soul stuff
5. Go on a pilgrimage
6. Pursue an attitude of disengagement, an isolationist policy
7. Lock myself in a room and read all the books I bought but never had the chance to read
8. Keep my thoughts in my head and strictly confined to my head
9. Get lost in the wilderness and drown in the rhythm and silence of nature
10. Have my fortune told: there might be something going on in the stars
11. Stop myself from constantly taking comfort in alcohol
12. Run more miles, kilometres, run a half marathon then a marathon
13. Watch endless Koreandramas and TV series and movies: diluting reality
14. Talk and engage only with Kahlil, that way, nothing will ever be complicated.
15. Listen to endless ENYA songs
16. Climb a mountain on my own, alone. How about Bahay Kalo? At least I know the trail by heart.

The list could and would, of course go on and on and on...

Vows

2010-08-03T23:19:00.000+08:00

I wanna take a vow...of silence, of inaptitude, of nothingness. That whatever i say, touch, do, would be of no consequence except that i did. And do. I hate, my postive me, doing this. But it's d moment,it is!

Meet my new babY: woot!!! woot !!!!!

2010-08-03T16:13:00.000+08:00

Sana mahaba-haba ang ating pagsasama
Sana di ka mawawala
Sana di ka mababagsak
masisira bigla
kawawa naman ako kung ganun....

Yey!!!!bike na lang kulang and twyla will be one happy twylah...

More Demotivators

2010-08-02T16:09:00.000+08:00

all from: http://www.despair.com/blogging.html

Demotivators: wondering if this will work for old positive me

2010-08-02T15:41:00.001+08:00

FEAR
Until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore, you will not know the terror of being forever lost at sea

FUTILITY
You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take,
and, statistically speaking, 99% of the shots you do.

DREAMS
Dreams are like rainbows.
Only idiots chase them.

DESTINY
You were meant for me.
Perhaps as a punishment.

DESPAIR
It's always darkest
just before it goes pitch black.

SANITY
Minds are like parachutes.
Just because you've lost yours
doesn't mean you can borrow mine.

more demotivators at http://www.despair.com/viewall.html

UP Mountaineers Juana Run 2010

2010-07-28T09:37:00.000+08:00

Some photos from the event courtesy of UPM members (Leslie, Cece). I'll be keeping the memories in this blog, most especially my 2km ascent to the lion's head with "What a Wonderful World" in my ipod. And of course, the ice cold beer after.

0de to me drinking alone @ Sarah's

2010-07-27T20:31:00.000+08:00

i haven't done this for a long time.and yet,here i am. Drinking alone at Sarah's. Just one of those days that you feel you gotta have a beer. It's like when you've gotta go, you've gotta go and nothing's gonna stop you. That's me, right now. If it's any consolation, which it is, Chang's coming. And just like old times we'll probably drown whatever we think and feel and have with alcohol. Almost thirty years in the making and we're still at it. I honestly don't know if the thought is comforting or depressing, what matters is it's still what we find ourselves doing and doing all over again. Alcohol, after all these years, remain to be good, trustworthy company, and for that, i'll get another bottle...old reliable Sarah's and old reliable Red Horse...

UP Mountaineers: Juana Run

2010-07-26T11:35:00.000+08:00

"Ngayong Sabado- Linggo (24-25 Hulyo 2010), kahit medyo sumasakit ang aking talampakan (dahil sa likas na katangahan), ay tatakbo ako para sa UP Mountaineers EPIC run mula UP Diliman patungong UP Baguio. Kasama ang 30-35 na kababaihan ay tatahakin namin ang 255 kms sa isang relay na para lamang sa mga kababaihan. Bakit ko gagawin ito? Ang sagot ko: ‘Bakit hindi?’. Tatakbo ako para sa pagsulong ng karapatang pantao ng mga kababaihan. Tatakbo ako laban sa iba’t ibang uri ng karahasan at diskriminasyon na nararanasan ng mga Pilipina sa loob at labas ng bansa. Tatakbo ako para basagin ang mga mitolohiya at istereotipikong pananaw na patuloy na nagkukulong sa mga kababaihang matagal nang pagpupumiglas na lumaya sa makitid na pananaw ng lipunan. Tatakbo ako para sa pagkakapantay-pantay, para sa reproductive health at para sa pagkilala sa papel ng kababaihan sa lipunan. Higit at pinakasimple sa lahat, tatakbo ako pagka’t kasama ko and UP Moutaineers, para sa mga taon pang darating ng samasamang paglalakbay, pagtakbo, pag-akyat at ang paborito ko sa lahat -pag inuman. "

---

This was my 'on record' reason for joining the UP Mountaineers Juana Run last weekend. With the run now over and done with, it's not the lofty reasons and justifications that I get to look back to when I think of my weekend adventure with 30 other UPM ladies and dedicated support crews. It's the simple things I remember, and here goes the list:

1. the long road-food trip , the frequent stops,the 'don't know what's the real plan' attitude
2. the smiles and congratulations offered after each runner finishes her designated leg: the cheers and more cheers of encouragement
3. the patience of the support crew in following the runners with their bikes and vans, their desire to run with the girls (and their resignation in the fact that they can't and they won't be allowed to run)
4.the thrill in waiting for one's designated leg and the exhilaration of having finally ran it
5.the entire craziness of the idea: police mobile cars, headlamps in the dark, people looking at us like we're crazy or something (and some actually cheer)
6. the sleeplessness of it all....the runners and the support crew included
7.the wonderful morning view of Kennon road ascent; and the fact that it's almost always drowned in the difficulty of the ascent;
8. UPM flag flying through the entire course
9. the relay from one woman to another per designated leg; we're all in this together, knowing that a break in the leg would mean the failure of the entire run;
10. thought bubbles in a very difficult ascent...ipod music of "what a wonderful world"
11. the cold of Baguio morning, my sweaty self and a bottle of ice cold red horse while sitting on the sidewalk
12. the party thereafter: we've done it girls...yes...women can!

(picture from cece of UPM)

PAGLALAKBAY (Joi Barrios)

2010-07-26T11:32:00.000+08:00

Bawat pagsinta’y paglalakbay.
Paglalayag sa malawak na dagat,
pag-akyat sa pinakatuktok ng bundok.
Sumasakay ka sa pag-asa,
kumakapit sa pananalig.
Bawat pagsinta’y paglalakbay.
Tandaan:
Huwag kay-bagal at baka may hindi maabutan.
Huwag kay-bilis at baka may malampasan.
Sa pagitan nitong paglalakbay,
saglit na humimpil.
Salatin ang pawisang noo,
hagurin ang napupudpod na talampakan.
Kumustahin ang sarili,
na minsa’y nakakaligtaan sa gilid ng daan.
Huwag hayaang mapagod ang puso
sa bawat paglalakbay.
Ngunit huwag,
huwag ring papigil sa pangamba
kahit ang paroroona’y hindi tiyak.
Walang huling biyahe sa mangingibig
na handang maglakbay
nang may pagsalig.

----

Para kay Chang at sa patuloy nyang paglalakbay sa landas ng pag-ibig.matagal ko na dapat i-pinost ito para sa iyo. pero kahit na huli, may kahulugan pa rin. Ahem.

a different light

2010-07-22T09:17:00.000+08:00

seeing in a different light...i surprise and endlessly amuse myself

a certain kinda

2010-07-11T22:02:00.001+08:00

a certain kinda silence; a certain kinda longing; this certain kinda thirsty mood

from Star Woman

2010-07-02T09:39:00.000+08:00

"you have to travel within and situate yourself in a certain way before the flame can ever be seen,much less felt.the flame inside of you was ignited at birth and provides a bridge between you and the Great Spirit.to experience this central flame is to understand your place in the stars.the universe and all its mystery and beauty is your flame."- lynn andrews

missing quiapo

2010-07-02T09:12:00.001+08:00

the manic fridays i used to catch a bus in time for the six o'clock mass.the peanut vendors.the arm and body jostling through the crowd.the priest with a sleepy voice and his homily before an overflowing Nazareno devotees.the sweat and the frantic fanning.our father.the long queues at communion.the singing of nuestra padre Jesus Nazareno.the frantic scrambling to the aisles for the priest's blessing of holy water.Sprinkles and drops on my face.clutching a bunch of flowers,sampaguita offerings,rosaries,Nazareno at Sto. Niño miniatures,the faithful whisper Amen,jubilant for yet another revival of faith,a round of blessing in water.the madams with thick make ups,the haggard office workers and the more haggard masa, together in faith and prayer. and the after mass ritual of falling in a long line to hold the Nazareno replica.the tour around Quiapo in its busiest and crowdiest day of the week. the the trinkets and wares at plaza miranda and carriedo.the pirated cds of lacson street.sago to quench the thirst. a 5 peso pack of peanuts.endless haggling.tempted and lingering looks at the loitering fortune tellers.finally,the tired and peaceful sleep during the jeepride home.

Happy Birthday Justice

2010-06-25T17:51:00.000+08:00

Today is Justice’s 82nd birthday. And I called the office up. I was able to talk to Cholo, to Ate Lulu and even to Justice. It felt like being transported in time. There in the 11th floor of Vernida Building. The smell of old leather and old books. The dusty bookshelves. The tired computers and the empty office rooms. I see myself once again sitting in front of Ate Lulu’s table, reading the day’s paper, drinking a large pine-apple juice from 7-11 and talking about what went before and what lies ahead. Surprisingly, I missed Justice Cuevas’ office. Not that I‘d want to be there once again (Justice offered, yet again for me to return, with a raise at that), only that I missed the family I’ve had for almost two years there. I even miss the old man himself (minus his grumpiness). I asked Ate Lulu to give him the phone so that I could greet him a happy birthday. His booming voice, still filled with so much conviction as it was the day I heard him argue in the Court of Appeals, greeted me. How I was, where I have been. What am I doing in the Commission. That he’d knock my head off for leaving without formally resigning. That I should be back at the office by Monday. How sweet of him. And I miss him all the more, for the times that he had faith in me (and still has) and for giving me the chance. I owe that to him, come what may.

Me, a provincial lass, given the chance to work with him in his law firm, when other law firms would, without second thoughts, shun from a barrister from an obscure school of law. But he did give me that chance. I was not even a lawyer then, and yet he took the chance. I am forever thankful for that. Just as I am thankful for everything he has taught me…the meticulous pleading writing, the exhaustion of every possible argument, the passion to be an advocate of one’s client to what the law can and will allow. Through him, I’ve seen how the practice of law works. Thank you for that Justice.

Today’s his birthday. Two birthdays ago, I gave him poems as gifts. Not even my own poem, but poems from my favorite poets. The first one, I think was from Kahlil Gibran “On Work”, and last year’s birthday, I gave him Constantine Cavafy’s “ITHACA”. When I left him my resignation letter last August 2009, I gave him several poems, from Dickinson and I think from Langston Hughes. Today’s Birthday, I’ve no poem for him, but I will have one. I’ll think of one. Then, I’d fax it to him. (Teheeee)

Since leaving Justice, I’ve found other families too. I’ve found a family in the Women’s Legal Bureau. There, with fellow women who’ve patiently mentored me into the path of becoming a Feminist. They’re my family still. Even as I am now in another family, where hopefully, I will be able to explore the world of human rights and human rights advocacy.

On Justice’s birthday, I am once again made to affirm what I’ve always believed. We leave parts and pieces of ourselves behind. Parts and pieces of our souls to the people we’ve been with and whose lives we’ve touched. I am thankful for Justice and the rest of the crew. When I left, I left a part of myself there too. And so it is with Malaybalay and Bukidnon State College (now University) where I used to teach; and so too with the Women’s Legal Bureau.

I realize, it’s not only that with every parting we leave a part of ourselves behind, we also bring part of those we leave behind with us, that wherever we may go and whatever path we may choose to follow they remain in us and we in them.

Happy Birthday Justice!

Raiza's Walk to Forever

2010-06-25T13:06:00.000+08:00

solitary world
By: Rizza Ramos (15 November 2007)

I hold them in the crook of my arm,
like a mother would to a child,
close to my heart
beating
with anticipation of the million possibilities
of reading
throughout
the night.

The

pitter-patter
of
my

slippers

on the broken cemented darkening street,
illumined by the televisions sets
watched by people
with overrated fanaticism of the melodramatic soap operas,

tells
me
to
hurry
home.

The dog outside our house,
his huge head on his equally huge paws,
looked at me with disinterest
when I cheerfully called for him

as I slip off
from

my
slippers.

. . . I put them on my bed
ceremoniously
and
luxuriously
lay down,
consciously
pick one to start

a journey of a lifetime

as the next-door TV blares a latest commercial on a laundry soap.

------

This was Raiza's poem almost three years ago. I doubt if she has recently read it these days, and so I'm reposting it here. Something wonderful happened to Raiza these past few months. Finally, she's found THE ONE. For her. And ever her walking buddy, ever the person who accompanied her in walks in the streets of Malaybalay, in moonless climes or starless (or star filled, moon filled) skies, I am so happy for her. She deserves every bit of happiness. Her kind heart. Her patience and her unwavering faith. It is only apt that a miracle would happen. For she deserves not one but many miracles to come her way.

Raiz, i hope you'll be reading this soon. Girlfriend, finally, the solitary nights have come to end. And now, I wouldn't be so bothered on being so far away. I wouldn't be so bothered that I'm here and you're there. I wouldn't worry that you'd have nobody with you to walk the streets of Malaybalay with. Somehow, the Universe, in all its wisdom and kindness has taken care of a very gentle soul. Here's to wishing: that the nights that you'll be walking the streets of Malayblay be filled with so much love and laughter; that the two of you will color the sky with the brightest stars, and may the moon always shine upon you, as you take your walk together in life...Amen.

Poem for the day: Langston Hughes time

2010-06-24T13:00:00.000+08:00

DREAM KEEPER
langston hughes

Bring me all your dreams,
You dreamer
Bring me all your
Heart melodies
That I may wrap them
In a blue cloud-cloth
Away from the too-rough fingers
Of the World.

----

I was never one to believe in best laid plans. I’m the live for the moment girl. I have a general idea of where I’d like to be, and yet I never forget the importance of living each moment to the brim. Until it overflows (as Coelho would say; let your cistern overflow) I do not put all my bets on tomorrow, but I do put some of my bets with tomorrow in view. For I know, tomorrow may not come, and tomorrow may be different from the tomorrow I hoped for today. And so this is how I’ve always lived. A day at a time, looking at the distance, of where I want to go, and yet learning to live fully this minute, this hour, this day.

The CHR De Lima

2010-06-22T16:58:00.002+08:00

Since I started blogging again, I haven’t really blogged on how a year ago, I pined and hoped to be working with the Commission on Human Rights. My prime reason being, to serve my fellow men in accordance with the promise I’ve made when I took the Bar and because the CHR was led by a very competent and passionate advocate in the person of Commissioner Lelila de Lima. A year after my application, I received the call from the Commission. And I rejoiced. Finally, the chance to be working for the Commission on Human Rights and for Commissioner Leila de Lima. Now, but three (3) months of working with the Commission, the person who inspired me to apply, the person who I saw as a fierce advocate for the Commission, will be leaving her post for a post in the Department of Justice. Ironically, a year ago, I wouldn’t even consider qpplying for a post in the Department of Justice due to my perception of it being hopelessy corrupt and unable to deliver justice. All that, of course, will drastically change with De Lima as head. Darn.

I know, I shouldn’t be thinking of myself only but also for the sake of the country. As with my NGO friends, we believe that De Lima in the Department of Justice would make a huge difference in the country’s justice system. And for that, I am willing to let the issue rest. Just thinking of the number of cases that will be successfully prosecuted under her charge, and the number of human rights violations striclty monitored and overseen. I am willing to give this personal dilemma rest. But that doesn’t mean at all that I’m not saddened. As of the moment, we, at the CHR, are feeling like orphans. Abandoned and without a mother.

I joke around, as with my fellow officemates that we should start looking for another government post, particularly,perhaps with the Department of Justice. But then, maybe not. I will stay with the Commission for a bit longer. I will continue to stay with the advocacy, as it has always been. For human rights work will always continue, it would always be in need of advocates, and I wouldn’t want to turn my back on that. Hopefully, whoever gets to be appointed as the Commission’s Chair, would advocate for Human Rights, even if not as passionately as De Lima, but at least befitting of her successor.

For human rights. I remain.

2010-06-22T16:58:00.000+08:00

A firm believer of fate. I hold it to be true that those whose paths are destined to meet will meet. And those souls who are destined to be together will eventually find the way for their paths to cross. It is not for naught, after all that as early as my freshmen years in UP, that I cried in the UP Main Library while I read the lines from Bridges of Madison County:

"It's clear to me now that I have been moving toward you and you toward me for a long time. Though neither of us was aware of the other before we met, there was a kind of mindless certainty bumming blithely along beneath our ignorance that ensured we would come together. Like two solitary birds flying the great prairies by celestial reckoning, all of these years and lifetimes we have been moving toward one another."

-Robert James Waller-

summer solstice

2010-06-22T00:01:00.001+08:00

I know my cell's timer is a bit advanced.somehow,this entry still gets to be written during the longest day of the year.i haven't had a ritual,not personally and purposely,but: i was the first to cut my niece's hair and i prayed for her to be blessed and have the courage to follow her dreams; i listened to a happy news from afar ; i ran 7.5 km in a very suave pace; i filled my head with wordsworth; i read a maikling kwento written by a friend;i counseled a friend on the phone; i stared at the far away lights on top of hardbreak hill,thinking about how far this life has brought me,how thankful i am,and the prayers i have for the people i care about.yah,i also had my alter ego kidnapped, got separation anxieties that i might lose her then decided to let her have her own adventure.i once again counseled a friend after an injustice of love.went home.played with my niece.exchanged i love you's with my nephew.and now ending the longest day of the year.come to think of it... a lot did happen today!